End of Junior Year/Yearbooks/Beginning of Summer
We got our yearbooks in late may, a couple of weeks before the end of school.
They were rather bland looking with a white cover and blue “people” on them and lettering in red. Not exactly the most dynamic choice of design. Inside there were tons of photos documenting the year. I was just a junior, so my picture was black and white, though a bit larger than the thumbnail picture from the year before. I was significantly skinnier in my junior picture, though it still looked awful. My hair looked messy and the light blue shirt I chose to wear that day didn’t highlight my pale complexion in a black and white picture.
I had a lot of my classmates and friends to sign the book (Except one... More about that in a few).
Most folks wrote the standard cliché lines…
“Great getting to know you in History Class”
“Have a great summer”
And of course the old stand-by from most girls –
”You’re such a sweet guy… yada yada.”
While the notes were appreciated, there were only three people I felt like I HAD to get signatures from. I reserved three spots in my yearbook for the three special people in my life.
A spot for my best friend since Sixth Grade – David ‘Tater’ Turner – A Great American. Though his love of boats and bass had taken priority, I couldn’t be mad at him for that. Honestly he had taken a backseat to my new girlfriend, Katie.
One for Jason - Jason and I had become pretty close over out Junior year. I guess it would be fair to say that he stood in for Tater in his absence for a while. We shared a lot of common interest, one in particular that would put a strain on our friendship eventually.
Lastly, one for Katie Coleman – The girlfriend, whom which my entire world revolved around.
Katie and I spent nearly every weekend night together during the last few weeks of school. She was excited about her upcoming graduation, and I was excited my senior year was right around the corner.
My Birthday/ The Fallout
I turned Seventeen years old on June 10th
On June 12th I got the phone call to meet Katie at her house… “We needed to talk”.I didn’t have a lot of experience with relationships, but I knew what those words meant.
I drove to her house with butterflies in my stomach, but not the good kind. My mind was racing with thoughts of what I was going to say when she told me the news I didn’t want to hear.
I could play it cool, and say something like - “Yeah, I’ve been thinking we should end it too. It’s been fun. Keep in touch”, and then give her a hug as I walk out the door.
I could lose my temper. – “So this is how it ends huh? Go figure! You know what, you don’t deserve a guy like me anyway. You want to date Jason now! Is that it? Go ahead! I don’t give a damn!”
She explained to me that she was going away to college and she didn’t want a long distance relationship. My mind quickly ran through all of the times I had thought she was flirting with Jason, so I immediately second guessed her.
This break up had nothing to do with moving away, she had her eyes on somebody else…
Someone who I admittedly I was very jealous of.
Jason had everything I didn’t.
He was more athletic than me.
He was a more popular than I was.
He always got the leading role in any play we were in.
I hear he even once kissed Kim Stone -Everybody’s Dream Girl and Cheerleader Extraordinaire.
And now, it appeared he had captured the attention of my girl.
I didn’t know what to say. I just told her I understood. I didn’t confront her about my suspicions (though I had brought it up numerous times in the past), I just let her talk…
I then begged her to reconsider before I left, but in her eyes it was over and done, and so it was.
I left hurt, angry, and felt betrayed.
I got in my car and drove home, trying to fight back the tears. But alas, they came… and they seemed to never stop. I pulled my car over on the side of the road and cried like I hadn’t done since I was a child.
I pounded the dash, hit the steering wheel, turned the radio up as loud as I could and I screamed. I was angry at the situation, angry at her, angry at Jason, and mostly angry at myself for allowing myself to get this upset.
I remember thinking to myself “This isn’t how most guys would handle something like this. I bet none of the cool popular guys get this upset over a break up… what’s wrong with me? How come I can’t be more like them”
That’s when it hit me.
I wasn’t upset just because of the break up. I was upset because I had finally met a girl that looked at me as more than just “A nice guy”. I was more than just a guy who was “Sweet, and so friendly”.. She made me feel like something more than just another “good guy”, she made me feel like a Man, like a somebody. I had that with her… and now it was gone.
In the end I looked for somebody to blame. Unfortunately, I chose the most innocent party in the whole situation. I took my anger out on Jason. I said and did things in the aftermath of mine and Katie’s breakup that I am to this day I am not proud of. I couldn’t be angry at her because I was still in love with her, and I was too naive to see the third person who was responsible was me.
My own insecurities, paranoia, and jealousy over her and Jason had really put a strain on the relationship. I am not sure if there ever really was anything between them, other than innocent flirtation. But my imagination, and own self doubt escalated whatever might have been there into something much larger than it really was.
The term ‘Loss of Innocence’ gets thrown around a lot.
Most use it as a sexual reference. I disagree. I believe one loses his/her innocence when he/she has their first REAL heartbreak. I have been in love since my first love, but never so openly or trustingly. I fell head first with no thought of how it could end. There were times in my adult life when I wished I could find that trust again…
There is still a blank page in my Junior Yearbook with the heading that says – “Reserved for Katie Coleman”
My whole world revolved around Katie and when she left… she took my world with her.
As it always does, it felt like forever, but time heals all wounds.
It would take multiple trips to the beach (along with the a not-so innocent hook up with a Yankee girl from PA), the solid rock of friendship from my best friend David ‘Tater’ Turner – A Great American, the introduction to something that would become a MAJOR passion for me, AND an impromptu lunch date with Megan Alba Biel to help me move on, and to appreciate what was going to be the best year of my HS career.
No comments:
Post a Comment